The Unexpected Apologies
What do we owe those from our past who pop up and drop one on us? (Bonus newsletter)
At one point in my life, I saw both of them almost every day. They still exist in some of the best and worst memories of my life. Moments that brought out the best in me and the worst in me. Possibly out of each other.
They both DMed on IG. About two years apart. The first one, I didn’t open for almost a year. I saw he’d written and I just let it sit there. It was hard for me not to open it.
I told a mutual friend that I was afraid of what the message might contain and that I didn’t think it was worth the risk. I’d rather suffer from the not knowing. Mostly because I wasn’t at a good place in my life.
I am tempted to get dramatic here and get cliche about healing and self-work and all that jazz. But lately, I’ve been trying to restrain myself from doing that because it feels too easy and I don’t think I should always trust my instincts about the past. Sometimes when we look back we see what we want to see and I don’t know if it was as bad as maybe I want to paint it to be.
But I can say for sure that I was trying my best to get to a better place. Trying to become who I wanted to be. The person who’d sent the DM reminded me of a part of myself that I was trying to get away from. Perhaps I should have confronted it right then and there. But I wasn’t ready.
Fast forward two years and another IG DM. But from a different person. Someone who’d made me…no I don’t want to say made me because, at some point, I had to accept the role I played in the most toxic romantic relationship of my life that brought out some of the ugliest parts of myself. It’s hard to see things clearly when you always see yourself as the victim.
After the breakup, I had a lot of time to myself. A lot of loneliness too. I listened to two songs on repeat every day for almost half a year. Charlotte Wilson’s “Work” and The Weeknd’s “I Can Feel It Coming.” Charlotte allowed me to wallow in my feels. The Weeknd gave me hope that better days were on their way.
I was already in my IG DMs when her apology arrived. So I read it right away. I mostly felt annoyed. Why did she send this? I didn’t care. Did I? It was too late. Wasn’t it?
I sat with it. I read it a few times. I shared it with a few friends in my close circle. My lady and I discussed it, which was really cool that we could do that in a healthy and open way.
I was familiar with the types of apologies I received because I’d made similar ones to an ex in DMs sometime between the two apologies I’d received. After I’d sent them to her, I felt a sense of relief. I felt good about what I did. I felt better about myself.
I don’t really remember what she replied. But what I do remember is feeling unsatisfied with it. It had been several years since we’d broken up. And she was in a relationship. People move on with their lives even if you’re still holding on to parts of the past you once shared with them.
My unsolicited DM didn’t warrant a response but the fact that I didn’t feel fulfilled by it meant that my apology came with expectations attached. Which is not how apologies should be delivered. They should be unconditional. At least try to be.
I apologized to her because I felt the need to. I did it for myself. Not for her. She didn’t ask me for one. It was self-serving. I shouldn’t have put the pressure on her to absolve me of any guilt I was feeling at that time. She owed me nothing.
I didn’t reply to either of them mostly because I didn’t see the point. I just didn’t see us being in each other’s lives anymore. Years had passed just like as so. We’d all moved on. Hadn’t we? What was the point of going back now?
If I wasn’t in a good place then I was at least in a better place and if I wasn’t in a happy place then I was at least in a happier place. And it had taken a lot of work to get there. On my own. Perhaps it was selfish. Perhaps it was self-preservation.
I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel confused. I didn’t feel vindicated. No resentment. No bitterness. No expectations. After some time I felt nothing. And to me, at that time, with those people, regarding my past with them, that meant I was at peace.
Feeling like I didn’t get what I’d wanted, I responded to my ex’s response to my apology. I rambled on about how I was working on myself and how she’d put me onto a lot of things that I didn’t appreciate at the time and that I was happy to see her in a happy relationship and that I was sorry for the pain I’d caused her in the past and on.
This time, she did the best thing for both of us.
She left me on read.
THIS PART. Whew. "I apologized to her because I felt the need to. I did it for myself. Not for her. She didn’t ask me for one. It was self-serving. I shouldn’t have put the pressure on her to absolve me of any guilt I was feeling at that time. She owed me nothing."