Been Thinking About This Newsletter

and how to make it better and criticism and not shitting on people's tastes

Like most things in life, I need to work on scheduling writing these things better. Sometimes I like to take some time to really think about what I want to write. Other times I like to just kind of wing it, let it flow, and be free. 

But then I feel like that’s a bit unfair to those who take the time out of their lives to read these things. And then I feel extra guilty for those who actually paid for this (I know, I still need to get on the paid content and now that’s another thing I feel bad about). 

It’s strange how money influences the work that you do. It’s good because it keeps me honest in a way, I feel the need to be accountable to others and it makes me feel like there are people who are connected to the work. Even when I wrote for a magazine that had a circulation of almost a million people, I always felt like no one would ever read whatever I wrote. 

I don’t know if that’s something that others feel. Now we live in a metrics world where we can see how many likes, views, reads, shares, or streams something we put out gets. Immediately. Maybe if I ever write anything that’s read by millions of people (yeah right) one day I won’t have that, “Oh you read what I wrote?” feeling.

Trust me, I’m not fishing for compliments. I’ve never really been all that comfortable with them anyway. As confident or arrogant as I come off (or as I am?) I’m still not all that good at receiving them. I guess we’re supposed to act humble and try to downplay whatever kind words deliver us. Not sure where we learn that. I assume a simple thank you would suffice. 

Every week, my lady asks me what I’m going to write about. Sometimes I know what I’m thinking about but rarely do I share with her. Right before I started writing this I told her that I didn’t like talking about it and that it had nothing to do with her cause I didn’t want her to feel bad. I just don’t like talking about it. I know other writers are like this. Is this normal? Does it matter if it is or if it isn’t? Am I overthinking this? Sometimes I’m like why am I even sharing this with you guys? 

My parents were worried that I would get canceled by Koreans and Asians for my “Minari” post. They haven’t seen the movie yet. I don’t think they’ll like it. But then again dad said that Korean movies and TV shows are getting too weird these days and stories about everyday people should be celebrated too. He thinks Koreans are making too many zombie movies. But “Minari” is a Korean American film, not a Korean one. I would love to see a Korean American zombie film though.

It was cool to see that a few Korean Americans agreed with my sentiments about the movie. I guess it always feels good to not feel alone. We never are though. Even if we want to think that we are because we want to make ourselves feel special. So we make ourselves feel alone and then try to feel special in our aloneness.

I’ve definitely struggled with that. Like rejecting things that other people liked in order to distance myself from them to make myself stand out. For whom? And why? Did it ever make me feel better in the end?

I’m still working on that part. My lady checks me after the fact. Like someone will tell me that they really liked some movie, TV show, album, artist, restaurant, or a whole genre of entertainment and I’d just go off about how it sucked. I guess if you’ve known someone for a while and you both share a certain level of trust or respect it can turn into funny banter but I know for a fact that I can get a little too intense and it can turn mean and personal. 

Those who know me have probably seen that part of me. Too many times. Embarrassing to think about now. Like why couldn’t I just shut it down? Especially when everyone around me just got silent. I couldn’t read the room? The other person would stop responding and I’d just keep going. For what? Ego? 

For the longest time, I thought having the strongest opinion in the room was more important than accepting the opinions of others that differed from mine. Knowing how and when to back down is just as important as knowing how and when to stand up.

Now when someone tells me that they liked something or that they didn’t like something I ask them what kind of things they usually like and whatever they answer gives you a good sense of their taste. You can’t really argue taste. Once you accept that most people in the world love “Friends”,“Big Bang Theory”, and Starbucks it becomes easier to navigate. And just because I don’t necessarily like something that someone else liked doesn’t mean that it sucks and just because I liked something doesn’t mean it’s great. 

Shoot just yesterday someone told me they thought “Nomadland” was mid and I thought it was great. But once he told me why he didn’t like it and what kind of movies he did like, I understood. And the reasons he listed for why he didn’t like it happen to be the reasons why I did.

No need to argue about it. Like if someone tastes something and they tell you they think it’s gross you can’t really argue with them about why it’s delicious, right? 

OK, I’m rambling now. Which maybe was the point of me starting this anyway. I’m going to aim to write another one before next Tuesday.

I’ve been thinking about apologies from people from the past and what you’re supposed to do with them.